


Distortion

by AnotherWorld3111



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alan is baaaaaaad, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Hallucinations, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Jealous Jensen Ackles, M/M, Poor Josh, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jared, Well its more like..., but read the end notes i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 09:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16616318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherWorld3111/pseuds/AnotherWorld3111
Summary: Break ups are like a natural progression of life, right? Sure, okay. But so is dealing with the emotional trauma of your past.Or, Jensen could just lie in bed and sleep it all away... at least, until his ex comes bursting in through the door like he's trying to save some damsel in distress. Except Jensen isn't a damsel, and Jared just pushes him into a panic attack anyway.





	Distortion

**Author's Note:**

> this. ended. up. being. longer. than. i. wanted.
> 
> Also, thanks to my dear friend Kaen as usual for reading when she could and giving me the thumbs up all the way, and another big thank you to hpjk_addict (go check out her stories she writes these awesome ass regency era fics okay!!!) for pointing out a couple of details that helped me realize that, oh yeah, there's a crucial little – *coughs* little *coughs* yeah right – detail that I totally forgot to think about

Jensen had honestly gotten used to the sight of what was being flaunted in front of him. Really. The amount of times he was forced to be a witness to Jared showing off his new arm candy… there was no way Jensen would be able to survive if he hadn’t learned to ignore the bile at the back of his throat by now. So Jensen would love to be able to say that it was practically second nature to him now, to look dismissively over Jared’s shiny new girlfriend, looking easily through an impassive mask to meet the eyes of the head of department parallel to Jensen.

AKA, Jared Padalecki, topper of everyone’s need to-hire list, or wank-off-to list, but more importantly, Jensen’s ex-boyfriend.

Actually, not that the last bit mattered. Jensen after all, was totally over him.

“Your calculations were off by a margin,” Jensen stated, resolutely ignoring the way Sandra was draping herself all over Jared. “A margin that had the majority of my department working overtime, scrambling to get things back in order.” Jensen refused to mention how it was also Jared’s mistake that Jensen had to pay for, in the form of having to bear through a two hour dress-down by the CEO of the entire business. Seriously, the next time someone swore up and down that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was really a teddy bear, Jensen was going to pull the person aside for a bit of one-on-one discussions.

“So what do you wish for me to do about it?” Jared raised an eyebrow smoothly. He had the gall to seem completely unfazed in the face of Jensen’s apparent anger. “From what I heard, didn’t you manage to resolve the situation just fine?”

Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Jensen closed his eyes. “Just. If you could apply at least half the brains it requires to fuck your girlfriend through the mattress, then it’ll be way more easy for me to appease my department before they ransack yours.” He didn’t wait for a reply. Jensen turned on his heel, and very much did not flee from the spot.

Yep, he was totally over the fact that he’d apparently managed to turn his ex-boyfriend straight.

Definitely over everything.

* * *

The thing was, what Jensen and Jared had had? Was awesome. Hell, it was fucking great – emphasis on the fucking part, too. And yet, they both managed to come up with the brilliant idea that things would be better if they took some time apart. Jensen should have realized the moment they’d come to a mutual agreement that there was something wrong.

As it was, however, Jared didn’t look like he regretted his decision, for his part. Every time Jensen saw him, he was always completely focused on doting on Sandra, lavishing her with his complete and utter attention. And as much as Jensen tried to tell himself differently, the truth was, it hurt. Because he could still remember so clearly, as if it was just yesterday, Jared pouring all that attention on  _ him.  _ When he was sick, or they were celebrating something, or even if either one of them were upset… Jared had never strayed from Jensen’s side. But every time Jensen saw Jared with Sandra instead of him… his mind threw the harsh question to the front of his mind, having forever been lingering in the background anyway.

Why did they break up in the first place?

Jensen wasn’t expecting an answer. And that was the one, God-honest truth he’d managed to come up with since they’d split. So of course, that was the one question, that. Well. Didn’t exactly get answered, as much as changed the status quo of… a lot of things.

* * *

Fridays meant cool down days. It was the one thing Jensen refused to alter, even after the breakup. Taking the valuable time to decompress, wash off the stress and grime from the week was worth how content Jensen came to feel over the weekend. Rinse, lather, wash, repeat.

This Friday hadn’t started any differently. Far too eager about the comfortable couch and mindless TV waiting for him at home, Jensen was practically compliant the entire day. Not willing to risk being forced to work overtime, Jensen made sure to keep an extra vigilant eye for the reports from Padalecki’s department, staying silent when Jeffrey called him in anyway before Jensen could take his lunch break.

Either way, things were as calm as they could get, so sure enough, Jensen found himself at his apartment with plenty of time to spare before it was midnight. A record, it anyone asked him. Taking a deep breath, already feeling his muscles loosen at the calm, quiet atmosphere, Jensen tossed his briefcase to the sofa, stripping off his clothing to leave behind a trail as he headed straight for the bathroom. Nothing like a hot shower to truly relax his muscles, and Jensen’s cock was already rising to half mast in excitement. Emitting a low hum of pleasure, Jensen slipped free from his boxers, just as he stepped into the shower stall.

Half an hour alter found Jensen towelling his hair dry, steam billowing behind him as he exited the bathroom. He was just going to collapse on his bed, the clothes littering his apartment floor be damned, when the landline started to ring. Groaning, Jensen cast a longing look to his memory foam mattress even as he made his way to the kitchen, irritatedly wrapping the towel in his hands around his waist. Rubbing his arms at the sensation of the cold air against his still damp and bare arms, Jensen yanked the handset from its cradle harshly.

“Jensen speaking,” he greeted briskly.

“Jay?” Tensing, his grip on the handset flexed, before Jensen was abruptly slumping against the counter like a deflated balloon.

“‘Kenzie?” He hardly dared to believe it. After he’d… somewhat come out, Jensen essentially lost all touch with his family. Hell, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d spoken to his little sister, who’d been far more sympathetic than his parents.

“Hey, Jensen.” His sister fell silent. Jensen hardly dared to utter a word. “How’re you doing?” She eventually asked. In the background, Jensen could vaguely make out the sound of muffled voices.

“I’m–I’m great, Kenzie! God, it’s–it’s good to hear from you,” Jensen admitted softly, closing his eyes as he rubbed a hand over his face.

He could hear the smile in his sister’s voice when she replied. “Yeah, same here Jay.” She paused, and Jensen, sensing she had something to say, stayed silent. “Listen,” she started. “So it’s been a while, right? And… we were – I was. Well.” Over the line, Mackenzie cleared her throat, clearly flustered. “Just, join us for the monthly family dinner, Jay?”

And just like that, Jensen stiffened.

“I – what?”

“It’s – look, Jensen.” Rather abruptly, Mackenzie lowered her voice, tone becoming serious. “I – I still follow you on facebook.”

“...Okay?” His head was spinning with all the swift changes in conversation, and it was literally starting to make Jensen dizzy.

“And. Mom and dad noticed… you haven’t been posting any pictures. With your – you know… And you deleted the ones you’d already–”

“You can’t be serious,” Jensen cut in. He was finally putting the puzzle pieces together, and he sure as hell wasn’t liking the picture he was getting. “What, you think just ‘cause I broke up with my boyfriend, I’m suddenly straight again?” He exclaimed, disbelief evident in his tone.

“Jay–” His sister’s voice broke off. Jensen frowned as the muffled noises that had been in the background suddenly amplified.

The noises cleared up, but the voice that spoke up was very decidedly not Jensen’s sister.

“Jensen.”

Ice trickling down his back, Jensen instinctively straightened, jaw clenching before he could push out a reply. With some difficulty, he managed to wrench his mouth open before it was too late.

“Father.” 

“Mackenzie has informed us of your dalliances,” the distaste practically oozed out of the phone. “Having come to a halt.” 

Not exactly how Jensen would put it, but, “Sure.”

His father hummed. Whether it be in approval or disapproval, Jensen couldn’t, for the life of him, tell. Not that there were any surprises there. 

“Well, it’s all settled then. We will be expecting you this time next week. The Harris’s have also been invited. You’re familiar with the daughter, Danneel, correct?”

The nerve of his – Jensen couldn’t believe his father. Except. No, he actually could.

But he wasn’t going to put up with this any longer. He’d managed to walk away from his parent’s bullshit once, Jensen could damn well do it again.

Nevermind the fact that it was only because Jared was by his side when Jensen kicked himself out of his house.

“Father. I may not be in a relationship currently, but I can guarantee you that my opinions in regards to women have not changed. I will be delighted for you to have me for dinner, but  _ nothing else.”  _ Jensen said. His voice was firm and steady, but his hand was clutching the counter tight enough for his knuckles to turn white.

The anxiety didn’t settle when his father remained silent for too long. After an eternity, though, his father did speak.

“You will obey your father, Jensen.” His father’s voice was calm and cool, yet sent torrents of ice through Jensen’s body. Distantly, he could feel his joints instinctively softening, bracing for a blow they’d long since learnt to prepare for.

“After all, Joshua was a lesson hard to forget. Or am I wrong, Jensen?”

Unable to speak, Jensen gaped. His eyes went misty as memories overcame him, and he didn’t even register that he was falling to his knees, landing hard on the unrelenting kitchen floor.

His father blithely went on, either unhearing or uncaring of the slight commotion on Jensen’s side. But knowing Alan, it was probably the latter, if not both.

“Friday evening, Jensen. This time next week. Dress sharply, or you will find that I won’t hesitate to set out another example of those who go astray.” Alan’s voice was smooth as wine. 

Forever the one to have the final word, Alan chose that moment to cut the call, not bothering to wait for Jensen’s response. Not that he would’ve gotten it, for Jensen’s fingers had gone lifeless by then. The handset crashing to the ground was enough to jar Jensen back to reality, but only for him to blindly stumble to his bed in a daze. After that, Jensen was gone.

* * *

He must have eventually fallen asleep, because the next time he opened his eyes, the sun was shining right on his face. He couldn’t find it in himself to be disturbed by it, however. Staring blankly, Jensen remained oblivious to the sun causing tears to pool at the corner of his eyes. His mind went silent again before the sun had even set.

* * *

His stomach had been endlessly grumbling at him for a while now. He figured it was Sunday, what with the sun gracing his pupils before disappearing for the night. He wasn’t completely sure, though.

Stomach twisting with a particular vengeance, Jensen moved for the first time in two days. Turning to his other side so it was his back that was now to the sun, Jensen promptly stopped thinking about everything again.

* * *

This time, when Jensen came to, he had absolutely no idea what day it was. His consciousness had been severely drifting, rendering him in a daze that Jensen would find himself in and out of, unknowing of how much time passed in between.

He could no longer ignore the fact that even he could smell how rank he’d become. But adamantly not getting out of bed for God only knew how many days now would do that to a person. Still, Jensen would have easily continued to do absolutely nothing about his current state – how could he? Whatever became of him, it never was, nor would ever be as bad as the flames that had engulfed Joshua alive, Jensen’s brother screaming for mercy. Mercy that never came, not from his onlookers who’d only remained relaxed and sipping on their champagne, as if in celebration. As if Jensen’s brother wasn’t crumbling to dust and ashes in front of their very eyes. As if Jensen hadn’t stood, hidden in a corner, watching as Alan Ackles went about his civic duty by punishing those who weren’t obeying the laws God had set down for all of humanity.

Even if that meant setting his own flesh and blood, his first born son alive, just because he’d been caught in flagrante with another man. 

To this day, Jensen didn’t know if the other man’s fate was any better than Joshua’s. Burnt versus being fed to dogs, while still being alive…

Jensen tilted his head ever so slightly, and let the vomit spill out of his unresisting mouth.

“–sen?” Jensen!  _ Jens _ !” Frantic hands slapped at Jensen’s face. But even with his eyes open, there was no way Jensen could be able to register who the dark shadow in front of him was, not through the haze that decided to cloud his vision.

The feeling of warm hands against his cold and clammy skin disappeared, only to return too soon yet simultaneously an eternity later. One hand slipped under Jensen’s neck, guiding – forcing, actually – Jensen to bring his head back. Confusion muddled his already foggy mind, but at least that managed to clear up when he felt a plastic rim at his lips. 

Though he wasn’t adversed to the idea, Jensen still managed to swallow before he choked. Letting his eyes slip closed, he eagerly gulped, suddenly all too aware now of how parched his throat was, until the bottle of water was pulled away. Jensen let out a small keen before his mind could even process his actions.

“Easy,” a low voice started to break through to Jensen. It was an all too familiar noise, and didn’t take any time to surround Jensen like a warm blanket, protecting Jensen from his thoughts.

Except, Jensen could have snorted. If only it were really that easy.

“God, Jens…” That voice again, so worried, with a hint of anger underneath. Anger that went nowhere near to fading as it went on. “What the hell happened to you?” The voice was practically a whisper, but Jensen didn’t have any trouble at all, discerning the emotion filled question.

Before he could even think of opening his mouth, Jensen went for the easier route, and forced himself to open his eyes again.

Vision still blurry, Jensen had to blink a few times before he let himself give into the disbelieving laughter that bubbled up in his chest.

“Jensen?” Jared’s worried eyes were unwaveringly pinned on Jensen, making it so that Jensen couldn’t miss the clearly increasing concern in them. That didn’t stop him from collapsing back onto his bed, though, ducking away from Jared’s outstretched hands.

“The hell’re you doin’ here?” Because there was no possible way he was actually hallucinating – and Jared too, out of everyone. Hell, he’d have been a lot more happy to play along if it was Josh’s corpse he was talking to. Burnt to a crisp that he was barely standing, parts of him already crumbling to the ground… yeah. Been there. Done that. No matter how torturous the dreams were, at least Jensen knew how to deal with  _ that. _ His ex-boyfriend showing up in the middle of his apartment bedroom – with seemingly no reason? That, Jensen had never learnt how to react to.

“Jensen, you haven’t been at work for three days! And you hadn’t called in, and because you’ve practically never taken a break without at least informing Jeffrey – we all had no idea what was going on. So–”

“So, what. You decide to break in?” Jensen croaked, his voice having already reached its limits. He squeezed his eyes shut as he turned away from Jared, clutching a pillow tight to his chest. Thankfully, the sun wasn’t in his eyes at the moment, but that was only because the last few rays of the day was barely illuminating the room.

“I didn’t break into your apartment, Jens.” Jared said, his voice soft. “I… I used the key.” His voice was practically a whisper, but Jensen was still able to hear him.

Huffing into his pillow, Jensen refused to open his eyes. “Well. You saw me. Now leave.”

“No.” 

Frowning, Jensen was already opening his eyes, but Jared was faster. His harsh inhale was the only warning he got, before Jared was scooping him up.

“What the–Jared, lemme go!” He tried slamming his fists against Jared’s chest, but weakened from days of not eating or drinking or even moving rendered the action pretty much useless. Gritting his teeth, Jensen pressed his fists against his eyes, groaning as Jared ignored him as he marched Jensen to the bathroom, holding him in a bridal carry the entire time. He didn’t have any time to brace himself before Jared was dumping him into the shower stall. Jensen scrambled to his feet, trying to will away the headrush that had black spots dancing in his vision, but Jared reached a hand in, and turned the shower on, full blast.

Gasping, Jensen stumbled back, Jared’s hand the only thing keeping him up, and a second later, Jared was joining him in as well, a steady wall at Jensen’s back. Jensen swallowed, abruptly all too aware of the sensation of Jared’s wet suit against his back, Jared having not even bothered to undress. Jensen, on the other hand, was as naked as he was on Friday, the towel he’d wrapped around his waist discarded who knew where and when.

Arms came around Jensen’s waist, causing Jensen to slightly stumble yet again, but definitely not threatening to fall when Jared pulled him in closer instead. Trapping Jensen in his arms, Jared plastered to his back, a stream of hot water attacking his face and rinsing away days worth of grime and sick and other excretions from Jensen’s body… Jensen felt something crack and break loose within him. Bending forward in Jared’s arms, Jensen let the entire dam break.

Sobbing, he let free the weight of his father’s words, all the memories it brought to the forefront of his mind. Jensen was surrounded in humid air of the shower, but all he could feel rising to his senses was the memory of smoke, charred flesh,  _ fire consuming his brother  _ everywhere, thickly clogging his nostrils. Gagging, with nothing in his stomach, Jensen could only let a few more tears hopelessly slip out from the corners of his eyes as he spit out the bile gathering in his mouth.

“Hush, easy,” behind him, Jared was holding on to Jensen’s waist, keeping close the entire time. One of his hands came up to stroke Jensen’s hair back out of his way, before laying flat between his chest, moving up and down with each heavy breath Jensen took. “You’re safe, Jens… I’ve got you.”

And of all the words Jared could have said, that probably wasn’t the wisest. Granted, Jensen wasn’t nauseous anymore, but that didn’t mean he was any better as he spun around in Jared’s arms, this time hitting Jared’s shoulders again with renewed vigor. 

Words were tumbling out of him, his mouth feeling like a blubbering mess doing nothing to hamper Jensen’s attempts at speaking, letting out everything he’d been holding for days, weeks, ever since they’d broken up. He was breathing hard, tears streaming down his face, mingling with the water from the shower, and he was sure snot was dripping out of his nose too. It made for an altogether horrible picture. And yet, Jared patiently stood, keeping his arms firmly around Jensen, letting Jensen uselessly punch at unrelenting muscle, allowing Jensen to vent out all the pent up frustrations on him. He said nothing, but Jensen could feel Jared’s eyes on him the entire time Jensen resolutely avoided his, staring at the blasted silver tie that  _ Jensen  _ had gotten for Jared, watching how it got darker as it continued to stay under the water’s spray, Jensen not really blocking the shower’s path. 

Heat wrapping around him, from the shower, from the comfortable wall that was Jared right in front of him, Jensen finally slumped against Jared. Sobs were still wracking through his body, but he moved his face so that it was muffled in Jared’s shoulder. His hands loosened, barely holding onto Jared’s dress shirt, and whatever energy he’d had so far decided to depart from Jensen and leave him completely empty. His knees buckled, and if it weren’t for Jared, Jensen was sure he would have bashed his head on his way down, quite possibly to never get up again.

With Jared just about carrying him, they made it back to Jensen’s bedroom. But instead of stopping there, Jared paused only long enough to grab Jensen’s robe from nearby, the robe he’d been planning to wear on Friday but never got around to donning. Now, Jared helped Jensen into it. Like a puppet, he let Jared maneuver him as he willed, too tired to protest any further. It didn’t take long, even though Jensen wasn’t really of any help, hanging like a limp ragdoll that he felt like. Because only moments after Jensen was finally covered from the chill air that seemed to perpetually permeate his apartment, they were moving again, past Jensen’s bed, and into the living room instead. Jensen could only stare in confusion as Jared dragged him to the sofa, before dumping him there, careful to move Jensen’s briefcase out of the way first.

“Just…” Jared dragged his hands through his hair. It was now him who was refusing to look at Jensen’s eyes, looking at his robe instead. “Stay here,” Jared directed, before he disappeared behind Jensen. Jensen couldn’t bring it in himself to care enough to turn around and see what the hell exactly Jared was doing in his apartment, so he just resigned himself to listening to Jared patter around, in his kitchen apparently. For all that, once upon a time, he was absolutely comfortable with hearing Jared in the background, Jensen had to wonder if he’d quite unfortunately gotten used to the silence. Because every sound seemed to resonate within Jensen’s head, clanging around and reverberating without end, making him flinch and grit his teeth harder with each noise. Hunching in on himself, Jensen let his head fall to his knees, his eyes slipping closed as he took a deep breath. It was the best he could do when he wasn’t willing to move much, but the tiny amount of surrounding himself in darkness was already helping Jensen. If only he could actually blanket himself in it…

“Jens?” Out of nowhere, Jared sat down beside him, a warm furnace snuggling into Jensen’s side. He stiffened, and Jared ceased his actions immediately. He didn’t come any closer, but he wasn’t moving away either. When Jensen only stayed silent, his muscles strung tight, Jared slowly started moving again, creeping in closer until he was wrapped around Jensen. 

“J-Jare…” Jensen tried to begin, but then Jensen was reaching over him, grabbing something Jensen didn’t see from the coffee table, before he was sitting back, a bowl of something steaming in his hands. Jensen squinted at it. “Is that–”

“You should eat.” Jared cut in, but his voice was quiet. Jensen chanced a look up, only to find Jared staring at the soup, as if it held all the answers Jensen wished he could have had. “I… I don’t think you’ve eaten in a while. And… you need to eat.”

Which, Jensen was ready to call bullshit. Sure, he hadn’t eaten, but for one, the sight of the soup had him gagging, even as his stomach grumbled at the sight and smell of food, the traitor. But on the other hand, there were still far more pressing matters that Jensen wasn’t going to leave unaddressed.

“What’re you doing here, Jared?” Jensen repeated. He didn’t turn to face Jared, resolutely staring ahead instead, his gaze blank. His voice was low, not just because he was thoroughly exhausted, but also because this time, he wasn’t going to let Jared brush him off. He wouldn’t –  _ couldn’t  _ – tolerate Jared’s presence any longer, not when even the cologne Jared usually wore had Jensen’s go dizzy with want even as his stomach repulsed at the same time.

Jared sighed. He must have thankfully understood that Jensen was lucid enough to mean business, because he leaned back on the sofa. He didn’t move too far away, yet Jensen was both relieved for the space and simultaneously mourning it as well.

“I was worried.” At Jared’s quiet confession, Jensen turned sharply, narrowing his eyes at Jared. “Jens…” He abruptly dragged his hands through his hair again, a sign that Jensen had long since learned was Jared’s tell of silent frustration. At himself, at Jensen, or whomever or whatever else, Jensen only had to wait a little longer to find that out. “Jensen, you can’t just sit here and still lie to my face that you’re fine. Because you’re not. And I swear–” Jensen found himself the sudden recipient of Jared’s puppy eyes turned on to full blast. He reared back, unable to stop himself from moving away in surprise. Jared didn’t seem to notice it though, because he just kept coming closer, eliminating whatever space was between them. “Jensen, please.” Jared closed his eyes, but not before a tear slipped free from his eyes. Jensen stared in silent shock, watching as the droplets trailed down Jared’s cheeks. “Talk to me.”

The words came tumbling out of his mouth automatically, before Jensen could actually stop to consider them through. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jared. Everything’s fine,  _ I’m _ –”

“Stop it!” Jared yelled, and this time it was a lot more obvious when Jensen shoved himself away from Jared. But Jared still didn’t address that as he pushed himself off the sofa, the bowl of soup dropped carelessly back on the coffee table. Jensen glanced at the few droplets that were sent splattering out of the bowl, before his eyes habitually tracked Jared. Jared, who had his back to Jensen, hands on his hips. Yet, Jensen could still see that Jared’s chest was heaving, even from behind him. He was restraining himself, that much Jensen could tell because of how Jared’s fingers were going white with how hard he was clutching himself. From what, Jensen didn’t exactly want to know, however.

“You always do this,” Jared’s voice was deathly quiet. “Brush me off, pretend like everything’s fine when you’re visibly breaking down in front of me!” With a growl of frustration, he clutched at his head, Jensen almost wincing in sympathy when Jared dug his nails into his scalp. But he was too busy being aware of how he was suddenly feeling like he was standing on the edge of a cliff, on the verge of falling off. Jensen swallowed. “I could handle the no PDA at first, but when it looks like you’re about to have a panic attack if we so much as brush hands in public? I tried to be patient for months,  _ years, _ but you never–why did you never trust me?” Jared whirled around, a vein at his neck bulging as he stomped over to Jensen. This time, Jensen knew Jared noticed when he stiffened, tensing as Jared brought his arms to trap Jensen on the sofa, practically caging him, though they weren’t touching. 

His eyes softened. Jensen thought Jared was about to cry again, but just as quickly they hardened again as he glared at Jensen. 

“This. You flinch away, you’re scared, and you won’t tell me why, even though – if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you have PTSD, Jensen!” 

Mouth going dry, Jensen’s jaw dropped as he stared at Jared. “I–I don’t–”

“Jensen. The last time I feel like you actually let me in was when I helped you get out of your parents’ house, but even then, you never gave me a proper explanation.” Narrowing his eyes, Jared pulled back. “It’s got something to do with them, doesn’t it?”

Blinking, Jensen tried to get a hold of his thoughts. He failed miserably, because there was no way he was going to be able to put a stop to the hurricane inside him, not when Jared was–was asking him for something–

For something he couldn’t give,  _ didn’t know how  _ to give, not now, not when Jensen was already feeling emotionally fragile, but he needed Jared to know, he needed Jared to help him, hold him and never let go.

“W-What do you mean?” He whispered, and he was ashamed to say that Jensen’s eyes dropped then, not able to meet Jared’s gaze because he  _ knew  _ what Jared was asking for. 

“I mean.” Jared began, his voice dark. “What the hell has been going on in your life, Jensen, that’s made you come so close to breaking.”

* * *

There was a part of him that was ready to be disappointed, to be let down. Because Jared wasn’t really expecting an answer. Not now, not even when Jensen looked like death warmed over, eyes barely coherent the few times their gazes met. And Jared was already preparing himself to start leaving before he really did do or say something he was going to regret, when Jensen spoke. His voice was so empty, his eyes unseeing, that Jared didn’t even realize it at first. When he did tune back into Jensen, though, his heart dropped with fear at the sight of the shell of the man in front of him.

“My father’s a religious nutbag, which you knew. But he was also a council member of the church, and was a pretty prestigious guy. Everyone knew and respected him, despite his practically backwards views. But growing up in Texas, none of it was unusual, even when I realized we could describe him as a bible-thumping whackjob. It wasn’t exactly wrong… but what’s more scarier than a bible-thumping whackjob is a bible-thumping whackjob who’s got power and control over others…” a tear slid down Jensen’s cheek, but he didn’t wipe it away. Jared didn’t think that Jensen even noticed it. “Going against ‘God’s rules’ was… it wasn’t even an option. Hell, even thinking about it… and the people adored my dad like crazy, would happily do whatever he said that it was–it was fucking scary.” Jensen let out a humorless laugh, his face pale. 

He suddenly started shivering, hunching in on himself. Jared didn’t even try to stop himself from rushing forward, climbing back on the sofa to start gently pulling Jensen into his arms. Though he didn’t protest or pull away, seemingly too far into his mind for that, Jared could still see Jensen’s jaw flexing as he tried to control himself from an onslaught of emotions. It didn’t prevent his eyes from glimmering with unshed tears, only seconds away from a torrent of droplets being released. “They found a couple of guys screwing each other at an abandoned junkyard. Passerby walking his dog heard noises and… they were brought to my dad like they were fucking criminals, as if my dad was a judge or something.” A choked noise escaped Jensen’s mouth, Jared’s heart already wrenching as he got a bad feeling about where this was going, emphasized even more so when Jensen twisted, moving into Jared for the first time to hide his face in Jared’s chest. “My dad ordered for their execution, like it was the fucking eighteen hundreds or something. And the people didn’t even bat an eye, no one even questioned anything, just asking him when, where, and how. Didn’t make a single fucking noise even though it was his fucking son,  _ my fucking brother that Alan ordered to die. _ ”

* * *

The world came to a shuddering halt.

“Your–” Jared couldn’t even bring himself to say the words. He knew Alan was a homophobic asshole, what with Jensen disowning himself from his own family. But there was no way Alan Ackles could have actually – 

But the only other option was to say that Jensen was lying. Going by the fact that Jensen was currently breaking down on Jared, each sob vibrating through Jared’s chest, however, Jared knew Jensen’s wasn’t lying. Didn’t stop Jared from having trouble wrapping his head around how much of a monster Alan really was, though.

“A-and everyone was fucking fine with it, too. No one said anything w-when dad–” Jensen abruptly cut himself off. His hands had been clutching Jared’s chest, but now, there were nails digging into Jared’s skin. Jared winced, less from actual pain and more from the fact that he really didn’t want to say anything, but… 

“Jens…” Shifting as much as he could while practically pinned under Jensen, Jared swallowed. “Did your father… k-kill your brother?”

* * *

Jensen knew he was a pathetic, miserable mess. He was plenty aware of the fact by himself, and definitely didn’t need anyone else to reinforce it for him, thank you very much.

Crying and wiping snot all over his ex-boyfriend’s shirt while he spilled his sob story… and Jensen thought he couldn’t sink any lower since that incident at the Uni…  

He was being a wuss, which only made Jensen cringe harder internally. He knew he had to buck up, try to scrape together whatever remnants of dignity he had. But Jared seemed intent on dragging out the details from Jensen’s past, the details of which he’d tried so hard to keep buried on purpose. Practically overwashed in memories, Jensen was having a hard time keeping himself afloat, much less push away from Jared.

Maybe he could have – definitely would have, too – finally gotten the strength he needed to move away from Jared’s strong, yet silently – somewhat – offered support. If Jared hadn’t asked Jensen the ultimate kicker. Phrased in the way that Jensen had been adamantly refusing to think the incident of with those specific words strung together. But now…

Acrid smoke plugged up his nostril. The sound of tortured, agonized screams resonated within Jensen’s head. The haze that had been at the corner of his vision settled in, enveloping Jensen in a dark world. His senses departing, Jensen could do nothing but sit there as he felt the smoke settle into his lungs, charred flesh sizzled,  _ Jensen was literally breathing in his brother– _

“Jensen! Jensen, breathe, dammit!” Frantic hands were slapping at Jensen’s face, the harsh sting forcing Jensen back into reality. His surroundings remained fuzzy, but at least now he could tell that it was Jared he was looking at, the two of them sitting in his apartment, no one else, no fires…

“Fire,” Jensen croaked. “He set Joshua on fire. Alive.”

The words were out. The words he’d been refusing to speak, as if by saying it the event would actually set into stone, irreversible. They were finally released into the air, leaving Jensen a cracking chasm. The weak foundations of brittle stone that had been the only structure keeping Jensen upright crumbled. As everything within and outside of Jensen fell apart, so too did Jensen. He gave in to the long ignored call for confrontation, dragging Jensen into the darkness released from the chasm he’d been trying in vain to avoid, blackness hooking its claws into Jensen and dragging an unprotesting Jensen under.

* * *

Incessant beeping. That’s what Jensen regained awareness to. And he would have easily continued ignoring it… except for the fact that there was something very much… not right.

Jensen frowned, his eyes closed. Sunlight was streaming over his face… except… that wasn’t the angle the sun shone through his window. And the beeping sounded nothing like Jensen’s alarm, now that he thought about it. And the sheets under and above him felt completely wrong. Like plastic. Like…

His eyes felt like they had to be pried open with a crowbar. Somehow, he managed to do without. 

And then promptly wondered if it had worked when he realized he was definitely not in his room. Rather, he was in a hospital bed, apparently. In a hospital room. Hooked to machines. With his ex-boyfriend dozing off in a chair beside him.

Jensen stared. And blinked. But no, his vision wasn’t shaky, wasn’t distorted, and things definitely weren’t disappearing. Such as Jared. Who was still asleep. And still beside him. In the hospital.

Right. Jensen was in a hospital.

Swallowing, Jensen tried to recollect his thoughts. From what he could somewhat shakily remember, he’d been coming home late on Friday, prepared to have the weekend for himself, when he’d gotten a call.

He felt himself pale. The beeping from the machine beside him increased its speed. Jared beside him woke with a start. And Jensen paid none of it any heed, because his eyes were pinned to the figure in front of him.

“ _ J-Josh _ …” 

“Jensen?” Jared pushed his chair away in his haste to come ever closer to Jensen, hunching over as he tried to get Jensen to meet his eyes. But Jensen could only keep his eyes on his brother. Burnt and still smoking, there was no way anyone could have recognized the walking corpse approaching the foot of Jensen’s bed, but Jensen would never forget those eyes, couldn’t forget how they never failed to hold the utmost betrayal in them as Josh edged closer. 

_ “Jen…”  _

“Jensen!” Bright lights, a sharp sting at the crook of his elbow, and Jensen was gone again.

* * *

“–’nourished and dehydrated, frankly–”

Jensen was pretty sure he was floating underwater. At least, that’s certainly how he felt. His head was bobbing up and down, and every time he resurfaced, words were managing to register in his head.Words that didn’t make any sense to Jensen whatsoever. 

He must have made some sort of noise, however, because the next thing Jensen was definitely hearing was his name directed at him.

“Jensen? Jens, hey, you awake, buddy?” And as the voice refused to shut up, Jensen opened his eyes, completely forgetting all previous struggles and incidents from the last time he decided to do so. Still, as far as he was concerned, a glare was better conveyed with one’s eyes open rather than closed, after all.

And frowned right into the eyes of Jared, who was way more closer than he’d expected. “Whu–”

“Hey, Mr. Ackles.” Another voice that Jensen was grateful to note that he didn’t recognize came from his other side, and still frowning, Jensen tilted his head to the left, raising an eyebrow when he came face to face with a doctor. Now this person’s face was more a welcome sight, especially because it meant Jensen would be getting answers. He’d hoped. He didn’t think he was up to resorting to threats right now anyway.

“Why’m I here?” He mumbled, trying – and failing – to push himself up. Seeing his struggles, Jared immediately jumped forward to help. Jensen turned sharply to deliver a swift glare. And although Jared clearly flinched, it still didn’t cease him from helping to put extra pillows behind Jensen’s back. With the doctor simultaneously elevating the bed as well, it wasn’t long before Jensen wasn’t exactly horizontal anymore.

“Well, I’d suppose we could start from how malnourished and dehydrated you are, as I was telling Mr. Padalecki over here. That would certainly guarantee you a visit to the hospital, especially for an extended period of time if we noticed you haven’t consumed anything in nearly a week, I’m guessing.”

He wanted to lie, but Jensen knew that was as good as nothing when he couldn’t even meet the doctor’s eyes. “What day is it, exactly?” He asked.

Jared was the one to respond, and he didn’t sound happy about it either. “Thursday.” 

Jensen’s head shot up, alternatively glancing at the two men in front him, eyes wide with disbelief. But he wisely didn’t dare to utter a single word in protest. Instead, he swallowed, and nodded to the doctor to go on.

“You’ve been unconscious for the better part of yesterday since you’ve been brought in. Only woke up quite early this morning, but we had to sedate you shortly after you’d come to awareness.”

Forehead wrinkling, Jensen kept his eyes on the doctor. “Why’d you sedate me?” He couldn’t help but ask. 

The doctor looked up from his clipboard that he’d been viewing all this time to stare at Jensen skeptically.

“Because apparently, Mr. Ackles, you were hallucinating.”

Jensen stopped breathing.

Seemingly unaware to the reaction he’d just caused, the doctor went on. “While we can’t be sure if that was just induced due to the lack of replenishments or not, we have decided to call in a psychiatrist to evaluate you before you can be released. As far as I am aware, my duty does end with making sure you’re deemed fit enough physically, but the hospital cannot release you until at the very least you have attended a preliminary session with the psychiatrist.”

“You’re joking,” Jensen got out, managing to sound flat. But the doctor only looked back at him just as evenly.

“No, Mr. Ackles. I’m afraid I’m not.”

* * *

Jared had snitched, as Jensen later found out. So the person behind why Jensen was currently seated in front of a woman who looked far too knowing for Jensen’s comfort was Jared friggin’ Padalecki. And the man himself didn’t even have the courage to sit through with Jensen’s session after having roped him into this in the first place.

Nevermind the fact that this was meant to be a one-on-one session. Or the fact that Jensen had a feeling that the psych would have had a harder time dragging the nitty gritty details out of him had he had an audience. Even if said audience already knew the basics, but Jensen still wasn’t going to talk. Nope, this woman wasn’t going to get anything dirty from Jensen’s past. Sure, he was ready to act depressed if worse came to worst, but he wasn’t going to do anything that would guarantee him sitting in the hospital longer than today.

What was today, again?

“So, Mr. Ackles,” Dr. Bernard started. But Jensen instantly flinched, hating himself for the action. He interrupted anyway, trying to pretend that he hadn’t shown any physical reaction.

“Jensen. ‘Mr. Ackles’ is my dad.” He figured it was something many said, but even if the reason was the same, Jensen had a feeling that the goosebumps he got when hearing the name wasn’t the same as it would be for others. Others in this case wouldn’t feel to frightened to turn around to see if their father really was there, utterly terrified if that was the case.

Dr. Bernard slowly nodded, and though her facial expression didn’t change, her pause still unnerved Jensen even as she backtracked, a pleasant smile working its way on her face far too late. “Of course, Jensen.” Grinning, she started again. “My name is Rukiya, as you probably know,” she gestured to the nameplate on the door that Jensen hadn’t noticed till now. “I’d give you all the usual spiel about my qualifications. But seeing as I’m only going to be your doctor for as long as you’re in here, I figure you’d think I’m qualified enough.” Her smile turned more knowing, and Jensen would have said sly too, except he was unsure if therapists were even allowed to look sly. How was he supposed to know?

“So, why don’t you tell me what brings you in here today, Jensen?” 

Jensen stared back at her, unimpressed. “Well, doc, seeing as I’m only gonna be your patient for as long as I’m in here, I’d figure you already knew what’s up.” He replied flatly. Though Dr. Bernard’s smile didn’t fade, her eyes were telling Jensen everything he needed to know about how much of a pesky shit she was already finding him. 

Huh. Not even five minutes in. Looks like Jensen had broken a record he hadn’t really paid attention to having had in the first place.

“Humor me,” she replied simply. 

Nostrils flaring, Jensen crossed his arms, shifting on the couch. He wasn’t sure if the furniture was meant to feel this comfortable, because Jensen was this close to just hitching his legs up and falling asleep. If he could have. Instead, he was forced to stare right back at the doc, who looked far more at ease on her armchair. 

“Well, doc. Apparently I’m in here because the general doctor decided that a little malnourishment and dehydration was enough to diagnose me as depressed.” He said succinctly.

For the first time, the doctor allowed an expression that wasn’t a smile like those on a creepy doll to pass her face. And by that, Jensen meant she raised her eyebrows by the tiniest margin,  otherwise not really showing any other reaction at all, really. “Why were you malnourished and dehydrated in the first place?”

Clenching his jaw, Jensen briefly debated on not answering. But when Dr. Bernard refused to say anything else, not even moving a single goddamn inch, Jensen knew he wasn’t gonna be able to get out of this without saying anything.

Fuck psychs and their patience and all that shit.

“Hadn’t… really been doing much lately. Was just lazing around and I s’pose the whole idea of eating and drinking slipped my mind.” Jensen said, his eyes pinned to the carpet. Oh, here was a flaw in the room’s decor. Why did the furniture have to be appealing, but what was underneath his socks-clad feet have to look like saying that it had seen better days would be an understatement?

“And what caused this sudden bout of laziness?”

Jensen managed to raise his head to regard the doctor skeptically. “Never had a lazy day in, doc?” He retorted.

“That lasted me a week and made me forget about taking care of my basic needs? Can’t say I have,” she shot back.

Inhaling sharply, Jensen forced himself to let out a measured exhale in the process. “I got a call from my dad,” he admitted, begrudgingly. “Sort of set me off, and I guess it made me forget about–about the things around me.”

“You’re saying you got stuck inside your head?”

“Yeah, guess you could say that.”

Dr. Bernard nodded again, looking understanding. Thankfully, her face had softened from its previous sharp wittiness she had been donning when sassing Jensen back, but it still didn’t make him feel any better. Hell, he hadn’t stopped feeling on edge ever since he stepped foot in here, and weren’t your therapists supposed to make you feel at ease and all that fluff?

“What about your father triggered you to retreat into your mind?”

Jensen shot her a sharp look. He didn’t have to know therapists to know that she was putting words in his mouth, but there wasn’t anyway he could protest when she had just jumped the gun and gotten to the point he’d tried to avoid making.

“My dad’s a kind of grade-A dick. Homophobe, redneck, traditionalist, conservative – you name it, he’s probably it.” Jensen let out in a rush. He closed his eyes, reigning himself back in.

“So, what part of that exactly was the problem for you in particular, Jensen?”

Jensen swallowed, his eyes drifting to his hands. He’d been trying to aim for a casual pose, which meant he’d been sitting with his hands folded neatly over his lap. But now, his nails were digging into his skin, and he knew he was going to find imprints on his thighs later, the hospital clothing serving no protection. 

“Everything. But… I guess the first part, really.”

“He knows you’re not a heterosexual?”

Jensen’s head shot up, fear paralyzing his body at the very words. The thought of his father and him being very much not straight in one sentence was enough to make his body freeze – literally, as he couldn’t feel his skin anymore, gone numb from the sensation his brain was tricking his body into.

“Jensen? Jensen!”

And that was how he’d gotten his first panic attack in front of a woman who had the power to immediately determine that Jensen needed way more than just one appointment with a shrink.

Jensen was going to kill Jared Padalecki.

* * *

Jensen was going to kill Jared Padalecki… eventually. But seeing as he needed the man to drive him home – and freedom – Jensen decided that he could begrudgingly wait.

“Jensen?” Jared’s voice was cautious, as if he was afraid of setting him off.

As he should be. Because while Jensen was out of the hospital, he was still obligated to bi-weekly appointments with a therapist that Dr. Bernard had referred him to, combined with a monthly meeting with a psychiatrist. So they could  hook Jensen up with happy pills he personally thought he was quite happy enough without. 

When he wasn’t hallucinating his brother’s animated corpse though, apparently.

“Jensen, talk to me, man. C’mon.” Jared beseeched softly.

“What do you want me to say, Jared?” Jensen finally responded. But instead of sounding angry or even annoyed, he merely sounded as weary as he felt. “I’ve already spoken. Got admitted to a hospital. And now I’ve just been signed up for multiple sessions where I  _ have  _ to talk. Forgive me if I wanna sit in silence for a bit.” His words made up for the lack of energy and spite in Jensen’s tone.

Beside him, Jared sniffed, his fists tightening on the steering wheel. Jensen didn’t miss the fact that Jared was still wearing his now rumpled suit from Wednesday, jaw unshaven, and looking generally dishevelled. Jensen couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Jared like this, to be honest. 

He was jolted back into reality when Jared pulled to a stop, very decidedly not at Jensen’s apartment complex. “What are we doing here?” Jensen asked, eyes pinned on the building in front of him.

“The doctors and I agreed that it would be best if you took up to living with someone,” Jared started to say slowly, before he hastened to add, “so you wouldn’t have to stay at the hospital instead.”

“So?” Jensen impatiently prodded, raising his eyebrows at Jared.

“So I brought you to mine,” Jared replied, surprisingly calm as he met Jensen’s stare unwaveringly. “Figured you could do with a change of scenery anyway.”

For a second, all Jensen could do was to stare, rendered dumb, before he managed to reply. “No,” he said flatly.

“Jensen. The doctors kind of ordered you.” Jared said easily.

If possible, Jensen’s eyebrows rose higher. “Well, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. So you can just take me back to my apartment.” Jensen shot back.

“Not happening.” Jared pulled the keys out of the ignition, getting out of the car before Jensen could say anything else. Fueled with a sudden bout of frustration, Jensen pushed himself out of the car as well, ignoring how lightheaded he felt by standing too quickly.

“Jared–” Jensen started, threateningly. Halting, Jared tilted his head back to the sky, eyes closed with a look of a man praying for patience.

“Look. We’re already here, so will you stop complaining and just get inside already?”

Jensen narrowed his eyes. “Complaining?” He exclaimed sharply. “You think I’m – Jesus, Jared. Did you ever even stop to take a moment to consider how much of a bad idea this is?”

That prompted Jared to turn back around, frowning at Jensen. “What the hell part of me making sure you don’t kill yourself is a bad idea?”

Suppressing the urge to yell and stalk forward so as to literally shake some sense into Jared, it was Jensen’s turn to pray at the sky as he pointedly ignored Jared’s specific words. “Jared. I know we parted ‘amicably’ and shit or whatever, but I really don’t think rooming with you is gonna help me get over you.” As soon as the words were out, he wished he could have bit them back. It was far too late for that though, so all Jensen could do was swallow down his nausea and look cautiously back at Jared. Who was currently looking like he’d just been struck with revelation.

Wary, Jensen regarded Jared as he took a shapy step close to him, face pale and eyes wide. “Help you get over me,” Jared repeated slowly. “As in… you’re still not over me?”

Jensen didn’t stop himself from really groaning aloud this time. “Are we still talking about this right now?” Under Jared’s unrelenting stare, Jensen felt himself give in, even as he could also feel the regret pour in already for being so damned easy. “Fine. Fine! I never really got over you, alright?” Jensen crossed his arms, trying to hold the swell of emotions firmly within his chest. “I hate that we split, I wish we never did, okay? And yeah, I’ve been jealous of Sandra too, like you probably wanted me to be. So, you happy, Jared? Is that everything you needed to hear?” Jensen ranted, breathing heavily. He felt completely and utterly drained, but – no surprise – he could also feel tears starting to form at his eyes again. After the past week of being a pathetic mess giving in so easily to his emotions, Jensen would think he’d finally be freed from tears, or, at the very least, under more control seeing the breakdown would have gotten the majority of it out. Seems like Jensen wasn’t lucky enough even to that extent, however.

Jared shook his head, closing his eyes, but not before Jensen caught a glimpse of the emotions warring out behind them. He only had the time to frown in confusion before Jared was surging forward, and hauled Jensen into a searing kiss.

Gasping, Jensen immediately uncrossed his arms. His initial reaction was to push Jared away, but somewhere around getting his hands flat on Jared’s chest, his hands decided to go against Jensen by firmly latching onto Jared instead, holding him close. Eyes closing, Jensen could feel his knees softing, letting himself practically slump against Jared, strong Jared who didn’t even budge despite practically holding Jensen’s weight. Lips moving against his own, it didn’t even matter that Jared’s lips were chapped, or that he stinked of the hospital as much as Jensen figured he did too. All that Jensen could think of was how much it felt like he was finally  _ home. _

When he finally let go, Jensen was breathing heavily. Still somewhat frozen in shock, he could only stare at how his clammy fingers were clutching familiarly at Jared’s shirt, as if he’d never been away from Jared in the first place.

“God, Jens…” Jared breathed into the small gap between them, his hands firmly cradling Jensen’s face. He stroked Jensen’s wet lip with a thumb, making the flesh part smoothly, Jensen not fighting the action at all. “I never got over you either,” he confessed quietly. “Didn’t really want to either.”

Jensen gaped, pulling back a little, though he didn’t let go of Jared. “Then–then why did you say we should–”

Jared was already shaking his head, cutting Jensen off before he could complete his sentence. “How about we take this inside?” He asked softly, the fond smile on his face at odds with the somberness in his eyes.

However, his words were enough to jolt Jensen back into reality, making him aware of his surroundings. They were still in the parking lot, in plain view of anyone who wanted to see them. He realized he didn’t have any more qualms whatsoever with the idea of entering Jared’s apartment now.

“Yeah.” Jensen swallowed. With some difficulty, he managed to pry his fingers off of Jared’s shirt. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

* * *

When Jared first laid eyes on Jensen, he knew he was done for. Sure, there were the freckles, cheekbones, perfect green eyes to get lost in… but there was also this shyness, which, if you managed to get past, revealed a thoroughly mischievous character. There was an all encompassing kindness, patience, which still coexisted with the absolute defiance to stand up for whatever he believed in. So with all this bundled into a man that would have had Leonardo da Vinci coming out of his grave just to see, there was no way Jared could resist this man’s allure.

So Jared befriended him. Got to be a personal witness to Jensen’s charismatic… everything, really. He was practically a puppy with heart eyes left drooling in Jensen’s wake, according to more than just the rest of their close friends at the time.

At their last year in high school, Jensen shyly approached Jared, and laid one on him, right before the winter holidays. Jared knew right then and there. There wasn’t going to be anyone else for him except for Jensen Ross Ackles.

He didn’t do anything to fight it. Hell, Jared did the exact opposite. As soon as winter holidays were over and Jensen returned from his visit to his family, Jared sought Jensen out and kissed him senseless in the middle of the boys’ restroom.

In hindsight, it was probably a good thing he managed to pull himself away before the only other person in the restroom came out of his stall. But at that moment, Jared hadn’t known what to look for, too mesmerized by how ravished Jensen looked from just a less than chaste kiss. Spit slicked lips, wide eyes, chest heaving, and hair mussed from when Jared dragged his hands through it, there was no way Jared would have noticed the sheer panic in Jensen’s eyes that only just managed to subside before Jared got his wits about in order to become aware of their surroundings again.

Basically, it wasn’t exactly the most romantic of places to officially begin their relationship, but how could any of that have mattered when every moment they spent together afterwards more than made up for it?

Cheesiest couple, most envious, high school heartthrobs, sweethearts, their friends didn’t spare them a single nickname. Personally, Jared didn’t see why he would particularly care either, not when there wasn’t an ounce of it that was a lie. Hell, Jared even proudly made sure to maintain that level of perfection between them, even though he didn’t have to try that hard, or at all. No, Jensen was absolutely enamored with Jared just as much as he was with Jensen. Everything was just so… natural between them.

So when Jensen had carefully broached the never before spoken of subject of his family, only to let Jared to know that he didn’t think his family would be accepting of him – like, at all – Jared was only too happy to help his boyfriend find his freedom. And sure, if that meant he just had to keep the engine running while Jensen got his bags and bade his family some sort of goodbye, it never occured to Jared to complain even the slightest bit. Figuring Jensen would know what was best and do so for himself, Jared let him face off his family alone, trusting Jensen to call out to him if need be – not that Jared thought things would come to anything like that.

Jensen never called for Jared.

Long minutes went by before Jensen eventually did get in the car, bags in hand. He looked too pale for Jared’s comfort. When he didn’t respond to any of Jared’s attempts at conversation, Jared decided to let him be for the time being. Instead, they started a new chapter of their lives together in University.

It was the greatest period of their lives. Their partied, they drank, they had lots of wild, crazy sex, and they woke up the next day feeling like all their professors decided to punish them together for their lack of responsibility and immaturity by having at them while they’d slept. Slinking into their classes nursing the mother of hangovers, they’d promise to each other to be more careful, only to repeat the entire cycle all over again.

They didn’t regret it one bit. Still, in honor of their liver and other respective bits, they managed to tone down the drinks a little by their second year. Their love life didn’t grow any less passionate, much to Jared’s completely genuine delight. Rather, they stayed wrapped around each other until they graduated, proudly holding their diplomas up in the air with one hand, the other tightly holding on to each other. And even after, when they somehow managed to land a position under the same employer, things couldn’t have been more perfect in Jared;s mind.

Of course, that’s when everything started to fall apart.

Like someone was taking their time to unravel a ball of string, it was little things at first. Stuff that Jared never noticed, would have went on blissfully ignorant about it too.

However, they were living under one roof along with working under one other roof, too. Sharing a schedule that made it so that they were together in public a lot more often than when they had conflicting schedules in University meant that Jared was spending way more time gazing at his boyfriend… and noticing things.

Like how Jensen would flinch away from Jared if they got too close in public. Not being comfortable with PDA, that Jared could understand, he guessed. But then… 

If Jared had to pinpoint an exact time and location when he realized things weren’t right, it would be the Christmas party Jeffrey more or less held for his employees. It was their first year working there, first year they’d be attending the party, and Jared was more than thrilled at the idea of being able to tear the tuxedo Jensen was undoubtedly putting on right now off the moment they came back home. Yes, Jared had some plans for sure…

Except, that wasn’t how things went.

They got in the car with the usual amount of delay, got a little buzzed on the fancy ass champagne they were served. Jared never knew it was possible to get drunk off of champagne. 

And then Jeffrey suddenly appeared out of nowhere, dragging Jared off to meet some businessman or the other. He could remember looking back at Jensen, the two of them shrugging helplessly at each other – though Jensen definitely looked more amused about the situation than Jared certainly felt – before his line of sight was blocked by the people Jeffrey was dragging him through.

That. It was precisely that moment, then and there, that things took a drastic turn for the worst.

Jared wished he could have been more aware of it then – no. He wished he’d never left Jensen’s side. Because he never knew what the hell happened, but when he finally got back to Jensen… his boyfriend looked like he was seconds away from hurling, or passing out. Possibly both, in either order. More than reasonably concerned, Jared was quick to herd Jensen home.

Jensen, who’d cuddled into his side, his warmth, so desperately for the rest of the night, as if he was afraid of losing Jared. He never really said what was bothering him, no matter how much Jared pressed.

Instead, Jensen started withdrawing.

It was waking up before Jared. Before, they’d take their time, stumbling out of bed together.

One day, Jared woke up, and Jensen was already in the shower.

The next, he’d already started eating breakfast.

Barely a week after, he was driving himself into work, alone. Jared didn’t want to sit back and watch their relationship crumble without doing anything about. And yet came the day, only a handful of weeks after the Christmas party, Jared managed to get Jensen to meet his eyes…

...only to feel like he was looking into the eyes of a stranger.

* * *

Much to Jensen’s immense annoyance, Jared refused to speak until they were well settled on his living room couch. Seated at opposite ends facing each other, they both held a warm cup of steaming coffee in their hands, courtesy of Jared. Although, Jensen wasn’t sure if whatever liquid was in his cup could even qualify as coffee.

However, Jared started to speak then. The cup in Jensen’s hands was soon forgotten, the contents left to cool as Jensen found his mind stuck on Jared’s words.

“Is-is that why you wanted to break up?” Jensen asked. For all that it had been Jared speaking nonstop for the past few minutes, for some reason, Jensen’s voice was hoarse.

Jared winced, not raising his gaze from his coffee cup, which he’d been resolutely staring into the entire time.

“It was the stupidest thing I could have done,” Jared admitted. “Looking back on it now,” Jared sighed, closing his eyes as he shook his head. He dragged a hand through his hair. “I don’t get what the hell possessed me to even think about it, much less go through with…” Jared suddenly waved his hand, a vague gesture. “All that stupid, needless drama.”

Swallowing, Jensen looked into his own cup, trying to make sense of the tornado of thoughts in his head. “Then… what about Sandra?” He said. Jensen didn’t know how he managed to get the words out, hated himself that he did. But Jared was already grimacing in immediate response.

“Sandy – it was just another one of those things I – she and I were never together.” Jared finally confessed, his voice thick.

Jensen felt his eyebrows shoot up. “What?”

Pardon Jensen if he had trouble believing that, especially after how he’d seen Jared and Sandra – Sandy…  _ interacting, _ with his own two eyes.

“Yeah… she. Um. She’s like a family friend I don’t really get to see often. But she moved here not too long ago, so we started talking, and…” he trailed off. Jared let his head hang low, hiding his visible embarrassment under his hair. Ensen felt a detached sense of bemusement when Jared didn’t push his hair back, clearly taking refuge behind the shelter it provided.

He tuned back into the conversation. “And what?” Jensen prompted. “She offered to take your mind off of things?” Jensen said, unable to keep the harsh bite out of his tone.

Jared inhaled sharply. No. No, she–she said she’d help me try to get you back.”

Jensen stared. “She–what?” He leaned back, disbelief radiating from his every pore. “How the hell is you two flaunting a happy relationship in my face supposed to help  _ us?” _ He exclaimed.

Jared’s hair shook along with his head. “Like I said. Not one of my finest moments.”

“You think?” Jensen shot at him. Jared winced again. 

“Jens, c’mon, man. I–I get that you don’t exactly have the brightest past, but you gotta understand where I’m coming from, man.” Jared beseeched, lifting his head now. “For me, it was you – just you. But then you clearly wouldn’t let me in, you just started to pull away! I just – I’d just needed  _ something _ , Jensen.” Jared sighed, letting his face drop into his hand.

They sat like that for a few moments, completely still and silent.

“I didn’t–” Jensen started. Jared lifted his head again to look at Jensen as he spoke. Jensen tried again. “I don’t know where to start.” Jensen admitted, his voice low as his eyes dropped back to his coffee cup.

Jared didn’t seem to have trouble figuring it out for Jensen, however.

Staring hard at Jensen so that he could feel Jared boring holes through his head, Jared inched forward.

“Tell me what happened at that Christmas party.” He said firmly.

Jensen blanched. But then, swallowing, he acquiesced. 

* * *

Jensen was undoubtedly amused, watching his employer dragging his unwilling boyfriend as he was. When Jared twisted in Jeffrey’s hold to shoot Jensen a silent plea under his glare, Jensen let the smirk tugging at the edges of his lips to take over completely, just before Jared was blocked from his view.

Still smiling faintly, Jensen resolved to wait around until Jared returned. It wasn’t like he was particularly interested in these kinds of things, would have much rather had Jared to himself. But it was supposed to be good for them in the long run if they mingled with the right people. Sure, that alone wouldn’t have been enough to convince Jensen, but then he caught sight of the hungry look in Jared’s eyes when he mentioned they’d have to be suited up – and. Jensen couldn’t shake the thought of Jared cleaning up like that either. So, here they were. Or, rather, here Jensen was, but Jared wasn’t.

Humming lowly to himself, Jensen turned, looking around. Eventually, his eyes landed on what he was looking for, and he eagerly moved forward. His hand was just reaching out for a wine glass on a server’s tray when a dainty looking hand grabbed it instead. Unperturbed, Jensen went for another glass from the multitude on the tray, just as someone practically gasped in his ear. 

Grimacing, Jensen automatically turned towards the source of the sound, only to come face-to-face with another reason to grimace, stronger this time, though.

“Jensen?”

Smiling uneasily, Jensen nonetheless turned a little more to face his sister properly. “Hey, ‘Kenzie.”

From his peripherals, he saw the server walk away, and Jensen spared a moment to regret not having grabbed the entire tray when he had the opportunity.

Focusing back on his sister, Jensen suddenly noticed how nervous she looked. And that instead of taking in the sight of him, as he was after all these years not seeing her, her eyes were darting around the room. Like she was looking out for someone, Jensen realized with a sinking feeling in his gut.

They started to speak at the same time.

“Mack–”

“Jens–”

“There you are, Mackenzie!” A voice boomed from right behind Jensen.

Jensen could practically see his reflection paling through Mackenzie’s widened eyes. “I was wondering where you’d gone,” Alan continued, still behind Jensen. “And who is this young man?” A threatening hint creeped into Alan’s voice, making Jensen close his eyes as he inhaled deeply.

Ignoring the minute yet desperate shaking of his sister’s head, Jensen turned around.

“Hey, dad.”

* * *

 

The memory, to this day, didn’t fail to make Jensen’s gut curdle with nausea. 

“Y–you ran into your dad?” Jared exclaimed disbelievingly. For a second, Jensen felt anger beginning to rise within him. If Jared really thought Jensen would lie about this…

Except, “what was your father doing at Morgan’s party?” oh. He could understand why Jared was confused in retrospect.

Exhaling sharply, Jensen looked away. “Apparently, he and Jeffrey are good friends. I think he was the guest of honor or something,” he said bitterly.

Jared continued to stare at Jensen, utterly dumbfounded. “How the hell –  _ why _ the hell, did we not know about that?” He asked. Even if his tone had softened – though, that did help too – his use of the word ‘we’ didn’t go unnoticed by Jensen.

Jensen shook his head even as he shrugged at the same time. “Jeffrey does that every year,” he informed. “Found out from someone else. He always brings a ‘surprise guest,’ introduces them with full glory near the end of the party. Take everyone off-guard, make them rethink their evening and hope they didn’t unknowingly offend the guest. Says it’s Jeffrey’s way of weeding out his employees, but by now people have just learned to always be on their best behavior, no matter what.”

Jared leaned back, seriousness overcoming his face once more as he focused again on Jensen with unwavering concentration. “What did your dad do?”

Jensen looked away again. Whatever he’d been drinking was threatening too strongly to make a reappearance, and it was taking Jensen too long to regain control.

“Jensen?”

“He was all polite for the sake of outward appearances,” Jensen said to the coffee table, “but he was throwing me these underhanded jabs the entire time. It–it was the usual stuff at first, like I was an abomination for being who I was, how I was only setting myself up for failure. But then…” Jensen desperately swallowed, horrified to realize he was about to start crying  _ again.  _ Jesus, he’d been crying more than a newborn baby would, lately.

Too absorbed in his thoughts, he didn’t notice Jared tentatively inching forward until he placed a hand on Jensen’s leg. He automatically flinched, but was gratefully grabbing onto Jared all the same before he could pull away. Jared still silently searched his face for something, before he settled into place, not moving his hand even the slightest bit.

Taking the comfort that Jared was easily offering, Jensen went on. “He started saying how I was to be blamed for Jo–my brother’s d–…” Jensen swallowed over the word, yet somehow kept going without too long a pause. “How I could have helped cure him of his sickness, but it was no good because I was just as corrupted, as tainted too – if even more so. H–he talked about how J–josh had to be a lesson for me, but it ended up being for naught. He said – he said Josh’s death meant nothing because I still didn’t learn, and Josh would be so dis–disappointed in me.”

“Jesus, Jensen,” Jared breathed out. He tightened his hold on Jensen’s hand. Leaning to the side, he put his coffee cup on the table, and with his freed hand, he pulled Jensen’s cup from his unresisting fingers as well, Jensen not at all upset to part with it. Setting it beside his own on the coffee table, Jared straightened, taking the opportunity to cup Jensen’s hands between both of his. 

He looked at Jensen earnestly. “You know that is absolutely bullshit, right?”

Jensen stared down at their joined hands, not saying anything.

“Christ, no wonder,” Jared muttered to himself. “Look. Whatever your dad said, I’m claiming every word of it as crap, okay? You trust me?” His tone was decidedly light at the end, but Jensen looked up sharply at those words anyway.

And maybe he shouldn’t have answered as fast as he did, maybe he should have taken his time to actually think the question through, considering. Yet, he still responded, with far too much honesty than Jensen had been willing to let slip out.

“Yes.”

Jared reared back, obviously hit by the weight of Jensen’s admission, but he didn’t let that distract him for long. 

“So trust me on this,” even then, his voice dropped lower still as Jared leaned closer, a hand coming up to cradle Jensen’s face. Inhaling sharply, Jensen’s eyes closed, his face automatically turning into Jared’s palm. A second had barely passed before he returned to himself, and he opened his eyes swiftly, mortified. But Jared was only smiling at him fondly, yet his eyes so serious. “Your dad was wrong. Is wrong, and if I ever see Alan again, so help me god. You should  _ never  _ be ashamed of who you are, and if your dad doesn’t like it – well, then. He’s just a spiteful old man who can’t tolerate to see all your potential.” Jared said, and looking at his face, seeing how clearly he believed his own words… Jensen wondered if he’d be able to believe it too, if he stared at Jared’s absolute conviction long enough.

He still had to ask, though, his voice practically a murmur, almost swallowed up by Jared’s hand. “And what is my potential?”

Jared paused, looking between Jensen’s eyes and his mouth, his eyes tracing the curve of Jensen’s lips as they formed the words he uttered. 

Jensen felt the air catch in his throat when a thumb stroked his bottom lip. “You have the potential for great success,” Jared whispered, in the scant few inches between them. “You have the potential that could lead others to insanity from envy. You have the potential…” Jared’s eyes were now fixed firmly on Jensen’s lips, and Jensen daren’t breathe, mesmerized as he was by Jared’s hooded eyes as they came ever closer… “To make a man the happiest he couldn’t even imagine being.”

Jensen pressed forward, connecting their lips together. 

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaand then Jensen goes to his biweekly therapy appointments, where it inevitably comes out that Alan Ackles is a murderer and stuff, and cue court cases but I aint in here to write a friggin Deathly Hallow size book in the middle of midterms and finals okay just think of it that its a long and tedious court thing until Jensen eventually talks and other people are witnesses or whatever and then the government takes over to clean up that city of people less than sane in their head which is almost everyone and jensen has to cope with his trauma but with jared there, everything will be alright :)
> 
>  
> 
> Oh, yeah. And Jared totally decks Alan in the face. Several times. Breaks his nose, maybe more (his knuckles certainly hurt enough for that)  
> Maybe his groin gets injured in the process too, but a night in the cell for Jared was totally worth seeing Alan's face – or, well, whatever he could see under all the blood and blooming bruises
> 
> happy, kt?


End file.
